I didn’t get married on July 1 2016. I didn’t wear white; I didn’t have something borrowed or something blue. I just had me, myself, and I pondering what went wrong. How did the happiest day of my life turn into one of the most dreaded? That is a question I have yet to figure out but I am on my journey to.
People say “when you know…you know” and I thought I knew! I swore up and down that my fiancés issues were in check and that once we were married things would get easier and I BELIEVED THAT I KNEW. It wasn’t until June 20th ,at 6 o clock, that I realized… I really didn’t know. He walked in normal and handsome and he even helped me cut out a few wedding favors. I could tell he was quiet so I giggled and asked him what was wrong. I don’t know if I’ll ever ask anyone what is wrong ever again because the response was so traumatizing I never want to walk into something like that again. “I can’t marry you” are the words that ring in my head after a long night of drinking, a morning after a vivid dream, or a night tossing and turning trying to fall asleep. “I can’t marry you”… “I can’t marry you”… “I can’t marry you”. I can remember him leaving with very little explanation and I sat on the living room floor, in shock, surrounded by piles of wedding favors with our “new” names on them. Rock bottom? I wish.
The first thing I did was call my sister, the second thing was call a boy who I knew for quite some time. If your reading this, and go through any type of heart break don’t do the second thing! I called him and he made me feel something for about a hour and then it fades and you’re left in the same spot just prolonging the inevitable. That’s how it went the next few weeks, I just prolonged the inevitable. I drank, I kissed boys, and I joined Tinder, all to feel something. Until I woke one morning and realized… I feel nothing at all. There was no satisfaction in what I was doing, no substance. When I finally came to this realization it was a whole new wave of heart break. Cause now it’s real…and you’re alone…and you just made a million mistakes in a row that you’re now feeling guilty about. There is one thing that brings peace though, one person that will be there late at night when you’re whimpering in pain, one person that will be there to hear your deepest, darkest secrets and forgive you and love you unconditionally. God. I know what your all thinking..”this is going to turn into one of those stories”. The truth is I wish it was! I wish I could tell you I am living a straight and narrow Christian life and I had a huge saving moment. I am a mistake maker, I am so broken often times I don’t know how to keep on pushing through my day. But in the back of my mind, and yes he should be in the front, God prevails. He pushes and frustrates me when I want the excuse to make mistakes but he continues to show up. I am by no means a perfect person but I think what I am realizing is that is ok and admitting that is the first step. So I’m on my journey to find my faith, find my life and find myself. I am not saying there will not be many more mistakes, I am not saying I’ll never get drunk, I’m not saying I won’t listen to rap music, I am saying I am walking with God and we are friends. We are going to walk this journey together. Today is day one of Saying Goodbye to him and hello to me.