I sat at a table, in a hole-in-the-wall Mexican restaurant, on Valentine’s day, across from the guy I’d been “seeing” for roughly 6 months. I could literally feel the lump in my throat the whole time as the minutes passed and still not even a “Happy Valentine’s Day” had come out of his mouth. That morning I had woken up thinking today must be the day, the day he would FINALLY, after months of waiting, maybe make it “official” even though that wouldn’t have changed anything since we already acted like an old married couple. All day at work I wait for something, I don’t know exactly what I expected from a guy who clearly can’t commit but every time I heard the office door open I got up a little quicker than normal hoping that maybe he had sent flowers, every time my phone lit up I was hoping maybe it was a sweet message from him wishing me a Happy Valentine’s Day… or a message from him at all. When work ended, I raced home and you could guess… nothing. No flowers.
I thought “maybe this is just a joke” and tonight at dinner is where it will all play out. Well, jump to sitting across the table from this guy on Valentine’s Day and that’s all that’s where it ended. I went home, he went home, and I started typing away…
“If you’re not going to love me, then just leave me, because I am never going to walk away. I’ll let you continue to wake me up with kisses and the smell of coffee being brewed, I’ll let you continue to hold me through the night and when I pull away, you pull me closer, I’ll let you continue to ease my worries away. I’ll pretend forever. Unless you walk away.
I’ll never be able to leave this fantasy we’ve built..this giant lie we’ve lived in. You can’t commit and that’s OK but you can’t be with me then. You’ve been this amazing dream just at my fingertips, just out of reach. Water when I’m dying of thirst, giving me sips whenever YOU want but never enough to fully satisfy my thirst, just enough to keep me holding on for more…”
I start to type a long letter professing it all, and then backspace becomes my best friend. It is so good when it’s good but I’m too scared to tell him when it is bad.
Some days I can’t believe I am back in a situation where I find myself making excuses and trying to figure someone out. I have always been the person that wants to take care of people and is attracted to the broken ones, but when is someone going to want to love and take care of me? Maybe that is my problem, maybe I’m seeking acceptance in the wrong area.
The truth is maybe I am the one who isn’t ready yet and God is just putting up some road blocks in my life whether I like them or not. Someone recently told me that I “advertise myself practically flawless” and my hope is that never happens because if you haven’t been able to see, I am a girl who is full of flaws.
I am flawed by telling you all to be strong and independent, to be pursued and loved but I can’t even take my own advice, I am flawed for the sharp tongue I have and the knee jerk reaction I, at times, can have to say hurtful things to people, I am flawed by my need to control situations instead of trusting that God will work it out the way He intends it to be. We are all flawed however we are all strong and worthy of love.
“Choose everyday to forgive yourself. You are human, flawed, and most of all worthy of love”