A YEAR LATER…

I lay in bed this morning dreading getting up and facing this day. The day my world forever changed. The day the sweetest of souls, funniest, wise, stoubborn, and loving little bean went to live with Jesus. Oh how I envy him. There are so many horrible things about that day that play in my mind, so many bad memories of the weeks to follow, but one thing that Ella gave me was a family that stuck closely together, and friends that stuck around. I want to thank everyone who gave me and continue to give me time to heal, those that understood when I needed space, and when I needed as little space as possible. Those who watched me struggle this passed year, make poor decisions, fall into a slump of depression, or ruin fun nights out by crying uncontrollably but continued to love me unconditionally. I want to thank those friends who after a year of no contact, we were able to pick up where we left off. 
It is a known fact that during a time of healing and grief you often lose friendships. You never know who will come through and who will fade. Relationships change. There has been some losses. So to anyone I may have upset or friendships that may not have lasted, know that it’s not your fault, I hope you never have to understand the mindset you have after losing someone you love so dearly, but that is why I just no longer am the same. I know that it is not personal and not intentional. I will always love you guys and hope one day this dark cloud lifts. 

To anyone grieving and enduring the loss of friends. I’m your friend! It’s normal, so don’t beat yourself up. Do the best you can to maintain and nurture friendships but don’t strain yourself, you have to much strain as it is, just relax move forward and know you are doing your best. And do what is best for YOU. 


This passed year has been up and down with different emotions. I recently moved out, I Am the first in my family to move out before being married and it feels like quite the accomplishment! I moved in with a good friend of mine who I have known since middle school! 


I bought a bike that I’m maybe a little to excited about! Living in the city it’s been so fun just to ride where I need to go and feel like I’m getting a work out in.


I recently decided to stop drinking as much, it’s a hard decision for a 20something who loves going out, but binge drinking on the weekend just isn’t good for anyone’s mental health. It’s tough but it’s something that I need to learn my limits on. 

There are so many things that I need to change about my life to live more like Ella. Life is hard and things will never be the same, but making strides to have a healthier lifestyle is a step that will better me and make her happy. 

Truly live everyday like it is your last, don’t be afraid to speak up, don’t be afraid to tell people you love them and especially don’t be afraid to be a little different! If there is one thing I’ve learned it’s that in the blink of an eye your whole life can change. 

WHEN LOVE ENDS BEFORE YOU’RE READY TO LET GO…

What was I to him…What did he call me when people asked who I was or what he was doing on Saturday night. To me he was my boyfriend… sure it hadn’t been totally “official” but after 9 months of being together, spending nights there and going on dates you kind of just forget all about the “label” and begin to fall into this routine until before you know it the tides change and the longing to hang out becomes less important… not to you though because to you, he is your boyfriend…but when reality sets in you realize…he actually isn’t my boyfriend and he actually never thought that. So what did he call me… what was I to him?

One of the hardest things is when a relationship ends before you’re ready…or feeling a relationship ending while you’re still completely invested. You’re still waking up excited to text the person you love but the person on the other end has already made up their mind, already given up  and although you know it and you know the end is nearing you still stand there loving. It’s like a train wreck you can’t look away from. Your texts are the same but the reply’s are fewer and far between. You grasp for anything and you feel like you just don’t really know the person you’re dating anymore. All we can think of is the good things and it sucks when there really were only good things. You feel yourself making every single effort to make things last, making plans in advance, doing things he loves, and stepping on egg shells.

It is the feeling of knowing it could be coming to the end and honestly hanging on for dear life. He was my rock and when I never thought I would love again after my ex fiance… I did.

Its going to end sweet girl, Its going to hurt and its going to suck. Its going to be another painful heartbreak and you’re going to want to curl up in a ball and just give up. You’re going to want to re-download tinder and bumble so that you can get the 2 seconds of meaningless confidence builders but listen to me when I say they only want one thing from you. You’ll find yourself staying up way past your normal 9:30pm bedtime just in hopes he texts you back and even though you know you shouldn’t and everything in you screams “DO NOT TEXT HIM” you do… you send a quick meaningless text but if he reply’s it will feed into the reassurance that there is hope and if he doesn’t your just stuck feeling worse than you did before.   You are going to ask yourself over and over why this is happening again, why heartbreak again? and we don’t have the answers to that but I will tell you that we deserve a lot more than last-minute text messages, blown off dates, and non commitment. You’re friends are not annoyed with you, so stop telling yourself they are. They are here for you just like you are there for them. What ever you do, do not call up that boy… the boy every girl has, the addiction, the guy we always crawl back to after a break up because he is forever single and forever a douche. I know you had a lot of different ideas for where your life was heading but let me just remind you that you are young, you are young enough to have a million different ideas come and go and you can do what ever you want with them. So take a breath, look at all the beauty you have in your life and hold on because when you come out of this you will only be stronger.