GOODBYE SUMMER.

Faith. Faith is a really really hard thing to have. Its like doing a trust fall without knowing if anyone is even behind you to catch, you just have FAITH that someone will. And then bad things happen in life and you slowly think “wow… no one was there to catch me” and you start to lose faith that “that person” will ever be there to catch you.

In Isaiah 55:8-9 it says: “For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways,”declares the Lord“As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts.”

They tell me on a daily basis that God has a plan, and that “his ways are not my ways” and I believe that with all my heart, I know that God had a better life for me then getting married to who I was engaged to, I can understand that, but its very hard to see the plan in Ella leaving us. Where was “my person” (AKA God) when I  trust fell and begged him to not take her away from us and he was supposed to be there to catch me. I don’t know the answer to that, and no one does. Anyone who tries to explain to you why God did this is barking up the wrong tree. We may never know that answer because one day we may find ourselves at Heavens gates reunited with my little bean and that question will no longer linger in my mind because I will be there with her and things will be perfect. Now that is a lot of faith to have but at some point there is this sense of desperation and your left at a dead end where you can either turn your back completely, and then risk NEVER seeing your sister again or your can desperately have FAITH and have FAITH you’ll see her again.

In other news….Dating sucks.

Enough said. This whole perfect first date and then you have to wait for the guy to text you first thing is probably my favorite part (insert sarcasm). Guys have it so easy! They ultimately know they have it in the bag since we agreed to the date in the first place! We girls don’t just go on a date just because… we do heavy investigating, our friends do heavy investigating so by the time we go on the date, we have already done deep digging through his Instagram, Facebook and Twitter with the occasional Google search, we already know his favorite color, music he listens to, his hobbies and interests, if he has ever been arrested and basically anything one needs to know! So we agreed because we already like him. The guy waltz in looking as handsome as he did in the Instagram he posted from 6 weeks ago and already knows he has got you hooked. Then…. no call, no text, nothing until he feels like it! And we cant do anything otherwise we will look needy or clingy.

People ask me all. the. time. if there is hope for my ex and I. For awhile I thought, maybe…I thought maybe I could just tell him ill do anything and maybe he will stick around. I also pondered the scenario of “what if he figured some of his issues out and years later we reconnected”… would I take him back? I do not know the future but my answer now is simply… NO. God shut that door for a reason, and it isn’t even just that… I truly have gotten to a point where I am entirely moved on from HIM. I still hurt with the rejection of it all, trust me that pain will never fully go away. It was a life changing event, but I don’t yearn to talk to him or see him, I don’t miss him or want to hold his hand. I think my brain likes to fixate on all the things he took away from me, like my first wedding dress, my first bridal shower, my first bachlorette party, but i need to start seeing the things he gave me, like a fresh start, being able to find love… real love, he gave me the opportunity to grow my relationships with Christ, my family, and my friends… I am starting to see that there was more good then bad that came out of this.

Being thrown back in the dating game after thinking I would never have to date again is tough. Luckily I hadn’t been out of the game that long but the butterflies and the nerves are something I didn’t think I would ever feel again and to be honest… I LOVED IT! It was a adrenaline rush!

Sometimes, however, I do feel like i’m kinda a walking train wreck, when conversations lead to the recent events in my life and shock rolls across their face, followed by the “I am so sorry’s”… They say it but lets be honest they are thinking “this girl has to much baggage”

I have been hurt, pulled in every other direction  and pushed to my limits time and time again…I have been “cut” but that does not mean ill continue to bleed, I am healing but I will always have scars, I will carry the pain with me but it will only remind me of the trials I’ve been through and how nothing can break me.

I am so excited for Summer 2016 to be over and a new season to start. There are so many good things to come, just taking it one day at a time and trying my best to Live Like Ella.

LIVING LIKE ELLA.

I’m not going to lie to you all. I don’t really have many words. I dont know where I go from here, or what I write about because everything seems so insignificant now. So my fiance left me? big deal.

If anyone has followed along with me so far you know that my 9-year-old sister passed away unexpectedly. If anyone wants to hear about my relationship with my ex and how im moving on well to be brief, he has been great since the passing of my sister, he raced over, has checked up everyday, came to the funeral and sat with me and my family, despite being scared of how they all may feel about him and didn’t let go of my hand. Of course im still hurt by what he did but he stepped up when it mattered the most and in my book… and what Ella would want… all is forgiven and we can move on now and find the path God intended for us even if that means it is not together.

Where i’ll go from here I am not sure, but I do know that I have to continue my journey of doing new things and experiencing life…but it’s not because of him anymore, it’s because of her. She is what will push me to do all the things I want to do. She is the life that will breathe into me. 

Things aren’t going to be easy, things like this really shake your faith and that is going to be one of the toughest battle’s to overcome. I find myself being selfish, I need to draw the line between doing things Ella would want me to do rather than doing things I want to do. I had the excuse of be dumped and going off to do crazy things and now that’s just not the case. I can’t go out and drink all night and say well “Ella would want me to do it” because the truth is Ella would want me to save the world if I could. Ella would want me to travel, Ella would want me to go dancing with friends, Ella would want me to karaoke and sing at the top of my lungs because thats what she did, Ella would want me to deepen my faith, she would want me to move into my own place because she couldn’t wait to come have slept overs. She would want me find the joys in each day, she would want me to smile even when I don’t feel like it. Ella would want me to meet a man who makes me laugh and takes care of me,  she would want me to donate money to charities or do a mission trip, she would want me to love myself as much as she loved me.

That’s the journey I will go on. It’s no longer Saying Goodbye to him, its Saying Hello to living like Ella. 

Saying Goodbye to Ella

“Saying goodbye…This isn’t the kind of goodbye that your friends can say “you’re better off” or “you’ll get over it with time”. This is a body numbing kind of pain that makes you sick to your stomach…one that will always hurt, the kind of pain that makes you question your faith and everything you thought you believed in. How can we ever think there is a reason behind the death of a child– or any family member, friend, or loved one for that matter? How do we continue to live and move on after something so tragic happens to us? Everyone always says God has a reason for everything…but what is the reason for this? I can tell you that the break up Abby faced two weeks before her wedding had a reason—so she could be with her family during this incredibly terrible time…when they need her more than ever…BUT it was also so she could do what Ella would have wanted her to do. Find herself and be truly happy. Ella was spunky, goofy, and full of life. She brought a smile to everyone’s face…She was confident and fearless. I watched a video Abby shared with me of Ella singing Let it Go from Frozen. She sang at the top of her lungs with confidence and pure happiness. That’s what she wants for Abby. Ella was put in Abby’s life to teach her this lesson and her passing will be Abby’s drive to be who she’s always wanted to be. Abby isn’t your ordinary girl…She is a lot like Ella in the way that she brings a smile to everyone’s face she’s around. When I’m with her I’m laughing the entire time, mostly at her but sometimes with her. I hope Abby, as you go through this incredibly tough time that you keep your faith and happiness, because that’s what Ella would have wanted. I hope you pursue your dreams—be a hairdresser, a singer, a wife—whatever YOU want. Take Ella as an example of the kind of attitude and spunk you should take on life with and never ever give up. Always have faith, and especially always know you have a support system that stretches miles, hundreds of people who would give anything to help you in this time, and an incredible family who is so closely knit and strengthened by faith and love.. Rest in peace, sweet Ella. You are so incredibly loved and missed.”
Guest writer: Jessica Miedl

Bar Volleyball League

Today I had the option to turn left out of the Walgreen’s parking lot and drive past his work, just to see if maybe he was there or go right and head home. I chose right…

To some this is nothing, to others this is a huge step. We all do it, we all stalk Facebook so well the FBI should consider giving us a job, just to see if there is any update, we try going to the same places hoping we “bump” into them just to see how they are doing, we even pretend that guy at the bar who is asking where the bathroom is, is actually flirting so we fake laugh and hit his arm in the hopes that maybe your ex is looking (if your wondering..yes this happened, he only wanted to know where the bathroom was). Don’t pretend i’m the only one…i’m just the only one being honest about it. So today when I decided to go right I felt sad at first but then felt just a tiny bit stronger. I am a mess don’t get me wrong. I am currently writing this on a McDonald’s bag in a parking lot… sad huh?

After choosing to not drive past his work , I decided to blocked him on Facebook and then deleted his number. Its a good day i’d say.

Despite the troubles that come day to day, I decided to join a bar volleyball league with one of my best friends. I have never done one before but have always really wanted to, so since I am doing new thing’s I decided to join one with a group of friends. It. is. awesome. Some people may think i’m just a little sheltered that I think a bar volleyball league is super exciting but it is! Just to relax, drink and laugh at how terrible I am  is enjoyable especially since I had never done something like it before. I think so many people need to experience new things, get out of your comfort zone, talk to a stranger,do hot yoga, or join a volleyball league no matter how terrible you are! Laughter is the best cure and I have a lot of people around me that keep me laughing! Even if my new experiences are because of recent heartbreak I am so glad they are happening. Today is just another day of saying goodbye to him and hello to me.

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Hot Yoga

“No, I am not doing ok.”

“Yes, I know there is plenty of fish in the sea.”

“No, we have not talked.”

“Yes, I miss him.”

“I understand everything happens for a reason and God has a plan..thank you”

It has been a couple weeks since he left and it’s been tough! I got the questions and the answers to them down pat. Remember when I told y’all i’d keep making mistakes… well I drank a little too much this weekend and bumped into him. Let’s just say… I went a little nuts. Sometimes it’s ok though. I think I forget how traumatic this has been and I brush it off until I’ve bottled it up so much that I’m holding back tears. Or in this case screaming at your ex. Sometimes you just need to get it out. Seeing him broke me into a million pieces but I have the most amazing friends and family! My family has hardly left my side and my friends are just phenomenal! From yelling at him any chance they get (not recommended but sweet of them) to running to my side at the drop of a hat.

I recently started doing “Hot Vinyasa Yoga” at Embody Yoga, downtown Oshkosh, and of course my wonderful friends offered to join. Basically you are doing yoga in a 100 degree room, and sweating profusely. If you’re like me and have never done yoga before be prepared to laugh… a lot. It is supposed to clear your mind and make your body at ease. With everything going on I figured it would be good for me! I went to my second class tonight with my friend and it went a bit smoother. I always wanted to do yoga and what better time than now! At the end of the class you lay flat, close your eyes and breathe deep. Renewing your mind, body and soul. This is called Shavasana. In this moment of complete stillness, and silence, my mind vividly returned to the exact moment I got engaged. I could feel every emotion, hear every sound, and taste the sweet kisses of happiness when I answered “yes”. In that moment of shavasana I whispered to myself “Let it go”and although ill probably think about that moment forever it gave me a sense of release and peace.  Not letting that moment define me is what is going to push me to the next great defining moment. So even though i’m still broken and sad at times i’m getting better. Today is day two of saying goodbye to him and hello to me.

Saying Goodbye to him & Hello to me.

I didn’t get married on July 1 2016. I didn’t wear white; I didn’t have something borrowed or something blue. I just had me, myself, and I pondering what went wrong. How did the happiest day of my life turn into one of the most dreaded? That is a question I have yet to figure out but I am on my journey to.

People say “when you know…you know” and I thought I knew! I swore up and down that my fiancés issues were in check and that once we were married things would get easier and I BELIEVED THAT I KNEW. It wasn’t until June 20th ,at 6 o clock, that I realized… I really didn’t know. He walked in normal and handsome and he even helped me cut out a few wedding favors. I could tell he was quiet so I giggled and asked him what was wrong. I don’t know if I’ll ever ask anyone what is wrong ever again because the response was so traumatizing I never want to walk into something like that again. “I can’t marry you” are the words that ring in my head after a long night of drinking, a morning after a vivid dream, or a night tossing and turning trying to fall asleep. “I can’t marry you”… “I can’t marry you”… “I can’t marry you”. I can remember him leaving with very little explanation and I sat on the living room floor, in shock, surrounded by piles of wedding favors with our “new” names on them. Rock bottom? I wish.

The first thing I did was call my sister, the second thing was call a boy who I knew for quite some time. If your reading this, and go through any type of heart break don’t do the second thing! I called him and he made me feel something for about a hour and then it fades and you’re left in the same spot just prolonging the inevitable. That’s how it went the next few weeks, I just prolonged the inevitable. I drank, I kissed boys, and I joined Tinder, all to feel something. Until I woke one morning and realized… I feel nothing at all. There was no satisfaction in what I was doing, no substance. When I finally came to this realization it was a whole new wave of heart break. Cause now it’s real…and you’re alone…and you just made a million mistakes in a row that you’re now feeling guilty about. There is one thing that brings peace though, one person that will be there late at night when you’re whimpering in pain, one person that will be there to hear your deepest, darkest secrets and forgive you and love you unconditionally. God. I know what your all thinking..”this is going to turn into one of those stories”. The truth is I wish it was! I wish I could tell you I am living a straight and narrow Christian life and I had a huge saving moment. I am a mistake maker, I am so broken often times I don’t know how to keep on pushing through my day. But in the back of my mind, and yes he should be in the front, God prevails. He pushes and frustrates me when I want the excuse to make mistakes but he continues to show up. I am by no means a perfect person but I think what I am realizing is that is ok and admitting that is the first step. So I’m on my journey to find my faith, find my life and find myself. I am not saying there will not be many more mistakes, I am not saying I’ll never get drunk, I’m not saying I won’t listen to rap music, I am saying I am walking with God and we are friends. We are going to walk this journey together. Today is day one of Saying Goodbye to him and hello to me.